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My Point Being

May 18, 2012

As most of you may have noticed, I have a lot of pent up anger. I trash people too much, and I curse like it’s second nature. It’s clear  that I often write like I’m pissed off at someone. I could lie about that, and brush it off while stating that I’m sympathetic to social issues, but I’m really not. One thing my mom always nags me about is that I don’t think of anyone but myself. It has to be my way all the time, and that I only have to look out for myself. For the longest time I ignored everyone’s criticisms and also, for the longest time I forced my own path the way i wanted it, no matter what it took. I always thought that I’m on my way to a great career and “feeling for others” would just slow me down. Looking back made me realize what a bastard I once was.

Here’s the deal. I went through typical high school hell. Well, less-than-typical maybe – it was a very very very short phase. Sitting here, trying to remember, might be the most difficult thing I’ve done all month. I want to let it out, but I feel like it’s not worth it. Bad things happen to almost everyone, and worse things happen to everyone else. I find myself pathetic for drowning in a pool of sorrow, when what I experienced was nothing in comparison to other teenage issues. The reason I was so brought down was because I’m not used to it. I have amazing friends, and amazing family, good grades, enough wealth and a pretty good life. When things run so smoothly for you, a little bump on the road rattles you out. Now that’s not very brave thing to do for someone who envisioned her like as a super-secret spy doing missions all over the world and saving people’s lives. What coped with was something near to cowardice. After some run-in with a couple of difficult and bad people, I shut myself from the world. I always put myself first, no matter who needed to be ahead of me. I shoved people’s sentiments and ignored their help. I toyed with people’s feelings, thinking they would get over it. One small thing did that to me. To this day, I remind myself to be stronger the next time that happens.

I could spend all night being angry. Cursing the people that made me go through somewhat of an adversity, but that won’t make me any better than them. What I have yet to learn is acceptance. Is that fact that while others continue to mock you, you can continue to make your life better and easier. You can turn it around from the crap that you’ve made it into. You’re still alive, right? Then that’s a sign that you can still do something about it. You may not turn into a saint overnight, but getting over it is a start. It took me a while to get over it and move on, but I did. I write about people hurting me because I’ve kept it in for the longest time and I just wanted to release it. I have no reason to remind myself of how bad of a person I once was, but I have every right to remind myself to never be the same bitch again.

“Every second is a chance to turn your life around.”

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