I blame society.
Maybe in an alternate universe I’d wanna settle down and choose a family rather than my career. Maybe in a distant planet, I would let my heart ignore what my head says and just go for it. Maybe in another time I wouldn’t be such a Gamophobe and actually be in a commited relationship. But let’s face it, there is no alternate universe or distant planet or another era that I could travel to that would change my hellbent negative outlook. It’s just how my world works, or the way I see it.
It’s not that I have no faith in love or men. Well, I don’t have faith in both but the story still goes on. It’s me. I simply fear what people yearn for. I fear the normal, I guess. I fear expectation. I fear that someday I will have to drive a minivan, and live in some place where your neighbor’s dog poops on your lawn and that’s completely normal. I fear grocery shopping for meals to cook for an entire family, and ironing some random man’s dress shirts. Most people would kill for a life like that, but I think the world can offer me more.
Somewhere far away or right next door lives a woman with a nice house, a nice car, and a nice family. Someone with a nice – maybe okay – job, with a husband that has toolbox in the garage. It’s something ordinary, something normal, and something I don’t want and would never expect to have. I live on the edge most of the time – not in a cliffhanger, highly-skilled assassin/operative kind of way. I’m more like the “spontaneous outburst of rash decisions and leaves people hanging” type. No commitments, no stability, and definitely no promises. The only promise I can make is to myself. The promise of not falling into the senseless crap of suburban stability and mid-life crisis. I want fireworks and glitter, but I also want adventure and mess. I want stuff to go uphill and downhill in a way only some can imagine. I want a life. A life full of unexpected things with so little confusion. What I want is basically a paradox, and that’s because I don’t want anything specific. I just wanna live.