At A Turmoil.
I keep wondering where I’ll end up 5 years from now. Maybe I’ll be in med school. But will it be in the same state or a different state? Probably I’ll still be finishing up my bachelor’s degree (I just hope I’ll be done by then). Or maybe I’ll be off on a whim and travelling somewhere with no purpose, just heading off some random direction because my life might or might not be at its turning point. Either way, I’ll have to sweat five years to find out, so there’s no shortcutting my way out of that.
My point to this existential crisis topic is that the “unknown” is kind of annoying. Trust me, I’m freak-out-breakdown central and not knowing what’s next is just a big pain. I literally cannot function unless I know where I’m coming from and where I’ll end, and I’d also have to have a purpose for it. It’s all too topsy-turvy to be spontaneous, and the ironic thing is one of my closest friends tell me that “spontaneous” is the perfect word to describe me. I know right, how and why? Well she’s on this notion that I have small hints of spontaneity in my obsessive compulsiveness and any minute now I’m going to lose it and just crack open a series of unknown choices. Somehow, I think she’s kind of right. My gut has this unknown feeling of uneasiness and I just hope when that egg cracks open, I’ll have a career to hang on to.
Majority of our lives we think of tomorrow and we think of five years, ten years, fifty years! It’s never an “in the moment” kind of thing; no matter how “in the moment” we’d like to be. Carpe Diem and YOLO is just another way to think of the future. Think about it, live for today and not worry about tomorrow? Kind of sounds scripted to me. It’s like, do what you want now so you’ll be able to live the life of “purpose” tomorrow, and that’s just it. You’re thinking about tomorrow so much, you’re over thinking today. So maybe it is okay to feel uneasy at present, and it’s fine to be lost and just be utterly confused. Maybe that’s what the moment is all about: to be totally confounded in the current state you’re in that you won’t have to think of what will happen next.