I used to think that people were special because they have experienced so much in their life. I thought that intense love – real love- the kind that would be difficult to forget only happened because of a previous heartbreak. I used to think that tough people had that kind of strong attitude because they’ve dealt with a very hard life. And of course, I use to think that extreme failure was inevitable to be on top. I mean, look at all the successful people: Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg,Walt Disney. I’m sure you can think of a whole lot more at the top of your head. In one way or another these folks had to go through betrayal, lies, rejection and some form of intense failure. In the end, they all came out on top and stronger than ever.
What bothers me though is the excuses people make every day in light of this. They expect to be the next Albert Einstein or Thomas Edison despite of their inability to process what they have to do. They expect to be given a reward for failing, but they easily forget to get back up. That’s where their expectations remain stagnant as expectations. The reality is you don’t have to fail first before you succeed. We have countless icons who rose to prominence not because they failed one way or another but because they fought hard from a difficult starting point. It’s not the rejection or the failure that gets you places… it’s the ability to persevere despite such.
Some people, myself included, are wary of certain risks that may lead to bad circumstances. I’m guilty of burying myself in work and books because I’m too afraid that Mr. Right is really Mr. Wrong who is just really good with words. That, my friends, never came from heartbreak but from mere observation. I’m afraid of applying to a lot of top-notch medical schools because my determination to prevent rejection overrides my fear of it. I would rather avoid talking to people I know I’m gonna get into a heated argument with because I can’t stand the thought of losing through undermined silence. I was in the debate team back in high school, yeah, but those things were justifiable since it depended on skill and facts. Situations like a debate competition reassured me that I wouldn’t lose because of my lack of character but because I did not do enough research. But even then I hated losing and avoided every chance of it.
It’s easy to point out that my lack of a whirlwind love life or fear of failure made me kind of judgmental on those who find it difficult to get back up after a low blow. It also made me ignorant on life in general, and that’s why I had to do something about it. I may still be on a forever-single-and-happy crusade, but I’m beginning to understand the concept of why people need each other or want it each other even. Although I almost had a panic attack in my English class for receiving 2 (or 3) consecutive C’s that could permanently damage my GPA, I learned to get a grip. I also learned to suck it up after totally miscalculating the dates of my Political Science final (apparently it was on Tuesday the 7th and not the 14th) and just answered it with what I knew. Panicking, as I’ve learned, does nothing and so does turning your back on a weird adventure or trying to prevent one of life’s multifaceted challenges. It’s all inevitable and strength comes slowly whether you expect it or not. It just comes.
One thing that I’ve learned or somewhat realized is that I don’t need to start from deep within the bottom so I could climb to the top with the kind of strength only gained from a life-changing experience. I can build my strength from career goals or mundane things like a near-below average GPA or going on a date with a guy who thinks Luxembourg is a brand of chocolate and just having an awful time. Nothing big or disastrous. It may be these little obnoxious things that people roll their eyes at, but one way or another these things are an incentive to do better and find better things. Improve. Transcend. And inspire. So maybe you don’t need 200 publication companies to put your novel out there. Maybe you just needed to face less than 10 rejections or self-published it and it becomes a hit? Maybe some crazy person will agree to your outer-space theme park idea and you’ll create some bizarre world. Maybe you’ll avoid eventual failure to focus on your strengths. It’s really up to you how things start or even end. It is your choice of a life.
Thursday nights are always exciting in my book. It’s when I finally get to relax and welcome the weekend (I only have school Monday-Thursday) and it’s also when all my favorite shows come up. Grey’s Anatomy for one, Suits before its winter finale and of course Scandal. I was a bit skeptical on starting Scandal – knowing too well that I’d either love it and add it to my growing list of shows to watch or hate it and hate myself for not finishing what I seemingly started. I did end up absolutely loving it; the show is just so smart that you simply can’t turn your back on it. The main character, Olivia Pope, is a force of nature. She’s successful, intelligent and probably necessary to every political animal there is in D.C. Let’s also not forget how this show is set in Washington D.C., which again adds to my love for D.C. based shows (i.e. Georgetown Cupcakes and Covert Affairs). The main character and her gladiators (kind of like associates) levels the show to new heights. And although there’s a technical difficulty of a philandering president, I believe his reasons are somewhat justifiable… weird as that sounds.
The last episode titled “A Woman Scorned” got to me in a weird way, and it probably did to just everybody else. With the iconic Olivia Pope finally drawing the line and yelling out the words “If you want me, earn me!” to our dear ol’ fictional president. It’s always an uphill-downhill kinda thing with them, and I guess this episode started to actually put things in motion with Mellie Grant going on live t.v. and accusing her husband of adultery… Which is actually what you’d expect from a woman scorned. But anyways, what I wanted to talk about were those 6 powerful words that girls all around the country are now throwing at to their male hopefuls. “If you want me, earn me!” But here’s the thing, people don’t know how they can be earned. Is it by letting him “choose you”? Buy you flowers? Hold your hand? Okay, I’m going all Bruno Mars on you but you get the point. What constitutes “earning”? I guess it’s personal preference of sorts. Some people may be low key while others have extremely high standards. It got me thinking though, that people often misunderstand the ways in which you earn someone. Do you actually get to earn them? Or just win them over? There’s a fine line of distinction between the two and I’m probably gonna make it one of my life’s goal to point out the difference. Either way, I prefer to be earned and not won over.
Lists. Piles and piles of things to sift through and do. The worst thing? Is that it never ends. It just keeps piling up and rising and consuming the time in my hands. Although I spend majority of my time complaining about my said to-do lists, I also spend a good amount of it doing work. But it’s never enough. Nothing can ever be finished or fully accomplished. Life goes on because of that. The small things that keep us going are also the things that annoy us the most. My OCD might be kept at a minimal level, but I’ve always been manic about organization and knowing where my things are. At the same time, I’m fully in awe of those people whose got the guts to maintain such a mess of a work environment and still be able to function impeccably. I love seeing how people go through their workload and have their system; it puts me at ease that they can go through everything without having a system built in… their system!
As ridiculous as it sounds, people’s work spaces excite me. It’s like the holy grail of workaholics; the stacks of paper, mugs of coffee and the multiple browsers open in their laptop just makes everything seem much more real. The idea of productivity makes a nerd like me even more… nerdy. A person’s work space has this originality that must have sprung up only from their personality. And don’t get me wrong. Just because one may have a messy workplace doesn’t always mean they’re just a mess in general. Not at all! It may imply that they’re hard workers or even creative beings that don’t have the time to pause their wandering mind. Nonetheless, your work space is yours and you can do anything you want with it. I’m simply here to say that I’d love to observe.
One of my biggest challenges is to say what I really feel. I find it so difficult to express myself that when I do things tend to blow up in my face. I bottle a lot of emotions and keep them deep within, but that doesn’t work out too well… Doesn’t it? I have a horrible poker face and usually end up looking pissed-off-slash-confused. I’m pretty sure this isn’t just a problem I face a lot but is something that everyone can actually relate to. I mean, really. What can anyone do with situations that they have no control over? Absolutely nothing.
It’s easy to get back up after an awful fall, but it’s so difficult to be better at what you just failed at. It’s a challenge time and time again. It’s an obstacle that I continue to face and desperately try to figure out. Maybe I’ll never get the hang of the challenges my seemingly uneventful life throws at me, and maybe I’ll end up being as mundane as ever. But time will tell, I guess. One thing that I’ve learned from being a rolling ball of hidden emotional wreck-ness is that the surface will always open somehow. Someday that surface is gonna crack wide, wide open and take you by a storm. In the meantime, all you can really do is prepare to accept it.
I keep wondering where I’ll end up 5 years from now. Maybe I’ll be in med school. But will it be in the same state or a different state? Probably I’ll still be finishing up my bachelor’s degree (I just hope I’ll be done by then). Or maybe I’ll be off on a whim and travelling somewhere with no purpose, just heading off some random direction because my life might or might not be at its turning point. Either way, I’ll have to sweat five years to find out, so there’s no shortcutting my way out of that.
My point to this existential crisis topic is that the “unknown” is kind of annoying. Trust me, I’m freak-out-breakdown central and not knowing what’s next is just a big pain. I literally cannot function unless I know where I’m coming from and where I’ll end, and I’d also have to have a purpose for it. It’s all too topsy-turvy to be spontaneous, and the ironic thing is one of my closest friends tell me that “spontaneous” is the perfect word to describe me. I know right, how and why? Well she’s on this notion that I have small hints of spontaneity in my obsessive compulsiveness and any minute now I’m going to lose it and just crack open a series of unknown choices. Somehow, I think she’s kind of right. My gut has this unknown feeling of uneasiness and I just hope when that egg cracks open, I’ll have a career to hang on to.
Majority of our lives we think of tomorrow and we think of five years, ten years, fifty years! It’s never an “in the moment” kind of thing; no matter how “in the moment” we’d like to be. Carpe Diem and YOLO is just another way to think of the future. Think about it, live for today and not worry about tomorrow? Kind of sounds scripted to me. It’s like, do what you want now so you’ll be able to live the life of “purpose” tomorrow, and that’s just it. You’re thinking about tomorrow so much, you’re over thinking today. So maybe it is okay to feel uneasy at present, and it’s fine to be lost and just be utterly confused. Maybe that’s what the moment is all about: to be totally confounded in the current state you’re in that you won’t have to think of what will happen next.
I’m huge on T.V. shows, and I don’t really know if all my shows are keeping me sane or making me paranoid.
Nevertheless, I’m a huge fan of a BUNCH (more than a bunch) of T.V. shows and nothing more breaks my heart when some of them get cancelled. So I’m narrowing down my top 5 all-time favorite T.V. shows that are unfortunately cancelled. Thank you in advance for hearing out my distress.
EMILY OWENS M.D.
I have no idea why the CW would cancel this wonderful show only after 13 episodes! It was funny, heartwarming and just overall entertaining. I think the biggest fallback that this show faced was the lack of ads or promos. It just wasn’t out there enough. The characters of Emily Owens M.D. just made the show ten times better; seriously, Micah Barnes is the cutest! The flurry of cute doctors got to me. It was like a younger version of Grey’s Anatomy. Something that has a fresh kick to it. Also, the main character (Emily Owens, of course!) always had these life lesson statements at the end of the episode that just tied everything together. I felt like what she said made so much sense especially to college students and teenagers, and yes, even the older people got a kick out of it! EMOMD was the quintessential T.V. show for a college student and I’m still reeling from its cancellation.
My feelings as of this moment:
Seventeen years and I’m still trying to figure out if growing up is actually necessary or even optional. Most people can’t wait to turn 18… not me. I’d like to stay 17 for as long as I possible thank you very much. I mean there’s really no significance to this number; it’s kind of a bridge from crazy teenager to crazy legal adult. Also, you can’t even really do much when you’re 18. I mean everything’s available to you at 21, but my whole point just goes back to staying a kid forever. I don’t want to have to think of old people stuff and worry about problem after problem. I just want time to slow down and not have existential rises chase after me like I’m some fat pig waiting to be man slaughtered.
This whole growing up thing is a bit too ironic, but let’s face it we all have that moment of breakdown when we’re on the bridge between childhood and adulthood. Questions like “What’s next? Who are we going to be? What’s the next step?! Apples or Oranges?!” emerge and just eat us up. I wish there was some file cabinet in our brain that could answer every question we had. Don’t you just wish everything made sense?! Being an adult is inevitable, we’ve all got to face it somehow and responsibilities are just going to pile up. Frankly, I don’t know how to approach this upcoming stage in my life, and I could only hope it won’t be such a rollercoaster as everyone describes it to be.